EXCERPT FROM BOOK Listen to Excerpt "Any time you've got homicides that aren't solved, the lives of the victims remain incomplete...they're still haunting us...they're still restless..." 'Jigsaw John' St. John, LAPD CHAPTER ONE New York 1987 The acrid smell of burning coke was everywhere. Seeping into the soft plush furniture, burrowing into the silky carpet and the smooth walls. It stinks, but I didn't mind 'cause there was nothing like it. Opened up the mind, made a man forget himself and God knows I needed that. Her hand rubbed my cheek. Tiny, soft hands. My mind drifted back over the evening. It had only been a few hours earlier, but now it seemed like an eternity..... Wall Street faces flowed past me, my colleagues, my friends....my enemies. "Congratulations Clive...great work, stupendous fourth quarter." My enemies surrounded me, whispering words of praise, silently wishing that I'd fall. I wanted to close my mind on everything and walk away from my life. But I couldn't, one more deal, that's all just this last one and I'd be free. For good. I noticed him watching me, envy creeping around the corners of his eyes. Maneuvering his way over to me, like there was something he'd been holding back, waiting for the moment to drop it, "We need to talk...." I looked through him, a short dark squirrel of a man, with wide set eyes and a large nose, his wrinkled bald head making him look older than his forty years. His body quivered with anxiousness as he sidled closer to me and I wondered for the first time, how I'd ever brought him in, why I'd ever trusted him, "Not now...." "But Clive...." "We'll talk tomorrow..." "Tomorrow may be too late..." "Why?..." "It's just that...well I got a call, from..." And he lowered his voice like he was about to say the name, but I stopped him. "Not here." My enemies surrounded me, I couldn't afford even one slip, one minor indiscretion. Now I hissed angrily, more at myself for ever making myself vulnerable to his manipulation, "I told you we'd talk tomorrow." "But what about later tonight..." "I'm leaving the City, I won't have time." He rocked back on the sides of his shoes, the way he always did when he was angry, but knew better than to say anything, pleading almost begging me to listen to him, to give him the dignity he thought he deserved..."But they want to increase their position and we'd have to make the trade tomorrow morning...." "So then just do it." I turned my back on him, leaving a trail of whispers behind me. I slipped into my car, the creamy leather seats enfolding me as I whizzed down the Expressway....the smell of the ocean was filling the car.....like an aphrodisiac, teasing my senses. I thought about her waiting for me....opening the door...And then I saw her face, the light green eyes clouded, against her taffy colored skin, the thick mop of dark curly hair framing her face. How often had I held her, how often had I seen her lips part in that same half teasing half defiant smile... "Hi...." I grabbed her, wanting to make love to her before I told her. But she smiled playfully, pushing me away, "Look what I got." She pulled out a gram of icy white coke, licking the edge of the paper hungrily. "To celebrate. Would she still want to celebrate when I told her that I'm leaving, but not with her....all the years between us, but I still can't do it, I still can't surrender my soul to her. Would she understand this time too... "Here Clive,...it's good...." A sucking noise. The dull light glinted against the pipe, trembling ever so slightly. She must really be fucked up. "Almost as good as the first time....remember...." That's what she always said. Ssssssssssssss a nice long one. My eyes shut tightly, letting the FEELING curl over me like a woman's touch, soft seductive and always so deadly. "I'm gonna get some champagne." She leaned down over me, kissing me slowly, I could taste the coke on her lips. Her hand rubbed my cheek. Tiny, soft hands. My eyes followed her small body weaving out of the room down the hallway into the kitchen. I closed my eyes again, going over every detail of my plan in my mind. For the hundredth or maybe thousandth time, I'd lost track now. Every step sharpened by time and urgency. One more week and I'd have the final payment and my freedom from a life that was no longer mine. I was finally starting to relax, the blow was starting to kick in, it always took longer when I was tensed up, but now the tingly feeling was rushing through me. A sharp searing pain was suddenly tearing through my back, ripping the breath out of me. I doubled over, like someone had taken a thousand knives and exploded them in me. And it was all a blur, except for blood everywhere, on my chest, covering my hands, the white carpet, and the room's empty. And I realize, I'd been fuckin' shot....somebody's....but now the room was spinning and it's like I knew this was it, the dark curtains were enveloping me and then the light, like the light at home soft...beckoning...taking me to the place I thought I'd forgotten. And then I smiled, I understood now, all the years, all the money...the lies, but you could never escape, it would always pull you back... "Clive...Oh, Clive, baby.....Oh God I'm so..." She leaned over me. The blood from my shirt soaked her skin. Turning it a brownish red. As I looked in her eyes, I could feel her tears, touching my face, as her soft hands used to. Then I realized that I couldn't really feel anything. Because I was dead. I looked down at me, lying there motionless, and I saw her sobbing over me. Shaking me, trying to will me back to life. But I knew it was too late. I felt this detachment, but at the same time an inexplicable heaviness. Something was pulling me back toward my body, which I didn't really even feel was mine anymore. Something wasn't letting me leave. Suddenly, the room was light, brighter than I've ever seen it. I couldn't see her, or me. Just this blinding light. Whispers from eternity called me, telling me that I had to find out. I had to make peace for peace to come to me.